1) it will be okay. there are many more people out there who would love to spend time with you; who would love to see you in the morning light, during your most vulnerable state.
2) if you have to think about if you’re in love, ask again because nothing is sure unless you feel something, or even anything to say the least.
3) no one loves you more than your father, and your mother is the only person that will ever be able to understand you. all you need to do is open yourself to their meaning, and their experiences. no one would ever tell you something that didn’t affect who they are today.
4) people will lie to you, and if they tell you that they have never lied, you will then know that they believe even their own lies.
5) whenever you go out, try to drink wine. everyone will think you are classy, and older than you actually are.
6) before you leave your family, tell everyone that you love them. you’re not wasting your time, or your words telling someone who cares about you, that you care about them.
7) if you love someone, just fucking tell them. don’t question yourself, don’t listen to what other people say. you can’t rush something that you feel. rushing is actually better because it gives you the ending results of what may be, right then and there.
8) laugh whenever something is funny, no matter where you are, or who you are with. laughing, and even smiling will make you more happy than you actually are.
9) stop being so selfish and condescending, even if you can’t stop being so cynical, try to lower it down until eventually it fades away because no one will love you if you continue being like that.
10) caring is not a bad thing. it’s easy to be so careless, yet when it comes to people you love, pretending not to care is a huge punch and it feels like you’re lying to yourself. there’s nothing wrong with it so please try to be more caring to others.
11) stop pushing people away.
12) you’re beautiful. stop doubting yourself. stop listening to the negative words that others say, who have claimed to despise your being. you are beautiful, you are loved, and never settle for anything that you don’t want.
I’m not an open book I suppose.
I tend to hide all the bursting sentiment as much as possible and only resurface little of it whenever I can. I could be reassuring sometimes, but to be real I’ll just slap all the honesty crap that you wanted to know right on your face if you won’t stop asking. I’ll delicately try to dissect your wholeness until I feel that it’s enough to let you go and continue your life the way I see and the way you wanted others to see you. We can drink coffee together, and laugh like old friends and little by little, we discover the little things and forget about the bad parts yet in the back of heads we all just want to be understood.
I’m not an open book mainly because I hate to be predictable. I hate to be seen in a way that people will claim that they know me so well but the truth is, they only know a part of me, and the rest is buried underneath a scribbled scrapbook full of distasteful, sweet, unnerving and beautiful memories. But having the hate to be predictable is just another part. It doesn’t define who I am and even if you’re to judge, all that will come out of your mouth will be a lie.
Because I’m not just that. There’s more than meets the eye.
But “it’s not just that” that I’m worried. I’ll be worrying of your thoughts and how you’ll be spending the next few days solely trying to protect me and constantly trying to find out who I really am. I’ll be falling asleep thinking of how you’ll be hating me the next few days, having nightmares of being afraid and waking up feeling tired. I’ll be worrying of you worrying about me. There’s nothing to be anxious about, it doesn’t hurt us anyway but maybe I can help you, but at the same time I’ll let your efforts be done by yourself.
Contradict me with your words and spare me with your kindness.
Leave me bearing it alone and stay with me because I need to be strong.
They’ll never know the real thing. You’ll never find out unless it comes from me. I’ll be true if you let the girl with the most unpredictable and wasted mind full of sarcasm and hopeless wishes and sweet talks can find a way to let you in. She may be hard to read and too stubborn to crack, but eventually she’ll come out of the shade even if she hates being in the shade. Condescending as it may seem or ironic maybe, but it can never convey what her mind is screaming to you right now.
What I need is time. Too long perhaps, or too short to suffice but it’s for the best. I can’t let you do the dirty work but for sure it’ll be worth it once you get through the impalpable secrets.
We’ll both wait,
Only, you have to catch up because she’s already near yet so hard to find.
"I’m severely tempted to be antisocial again. Is it normal to think that way even when I’m the complete contrast of it? I just realized that that is what I do when I go to my dark place. I’m not gonna give in, though. Because I know that if I do, I’m going to get bad again and I really don’t want that to happen anymore. I know what to do now so it doesn’t get as bad as last time. I have that, at least. Just a little bit at least, then walk into the sunshine again."
My mind always drifts to places unknown
from one dream to another that I cannot show
too distant, too wide
even my small eyes decides to try
to wake up not for an escape
but for a beauty longing to be seen
It’s either I’m cheerful, or I’m angry.
It’s either I’m asleep, or I lie with the stars
It’s either I laugh at your jokes, or pretend you don’t exist
It’s either I’m happy or what you see is just a shadow
I sleep to forget things
And drink green tea in the morning
I don’t let anyone mess with my lenses
Or they’ll be dead with their senses
I love to walk outside, and smile at the rain
The thunders and lightnings always excites me
I’m very easy to please, but very hard to love
I don’t want you to try, or else we will collide
You will always look, but you’ll never see
The radical face, the uneven thoughts yet deceiving smiles
She and Him.
He walks home in a hurry. He takes important calls and conversations. His feet move the sidewalks behind and his suit makes a frame, it paints his silhouette. He ignores the cars that carry people and the layers of buildings that pass while he paces. He looks down to choose his letters, he has to push them into place. And they leave him for the rest of the city but they’ll be back, he thinks. And so he builds a world that lives in his pocket and he doesn’t miss what he doesn’t know.
She races but she wanders too. Her shoes are white like summer and she gets lost on her way back. She warms up from the chase, she tip toes around the broken glass she finds. The pieces dust her path across new neighborhoods, they sparkle with the sun. And she stops for photos between the trees. She likes to click so she can remember the sky and the way her skin feels when they mix together. She knows it won’t be like this forever and that’s what keeps her going.
He worries but can hide it. He’s good at covering the cracks that show. He masks them in smiles and strength and he’s busy but on purpose. He makes it up each new day and week. He likes to flee the space he’s in but he will never say so. He takes planes to get away. And he stays until his skin gets darker and the light starts to eclipse the days. He likes to record who he meets and what he sees. He brings parts of them back so everyone can know he’s complete. And he’ll leave and come back for the rest of the season, he’ll run away for as long as he can.
She rides bikes over bridges and through the tunnels that she finds. The pinks of the paints match her fingertips and her legs trust the pedals so they take her to places she’s never seen. She says goodbye to miles and miles, she makes them disappear. She faces the wind, she lets her hair down like she was keeping it a secret. And the strands reach to the skies, they follow her face into every corner of the city. Her striped shirt blends into the buildings until her two wheels carry her back to the beginning. And when she gets home, she can fall asleep so easily. And she doesn’t have to wonder if the day was enough.
He gets stuck in his spot when the rain starts to pour. She gets stuck in hers too. He stands in the street, he stops to look up. She watches the clouds make grays from blues, she has nowhere to be. His hair gets wet, his minutes can wait. Her shoes dip into puddles, her thoughts hold stationary. And then their eyes copy the clouds, they clear into colors. And when the space that was planted between them breaks from the pavements, it finds the murky waters. It washes with the rest. And the streets drift with the river, but the two of them are still. And the less they move, the more they see. And then for a second they can find each other until the clouds come back and the rain begins again.
Photo from Shutterstock
Can distract you
I hope my fists
Can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you’ll never know
I hope my love
Can blind you
I hope my arms
Can bind you
So you’ll never have to see
What we’ve grown to be
One may think
But we need pills
To sleep at night
We need lies
To make it through the day
We’re not ok
One may think
We’re doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We’re losing ground
With every passing day
We’re not ok
But that’s one thing
I would never
One thing I would never
That’s one thing
I would never say to you
Pills - The Perishers
Breaks my heart every time I hear this song. It’s so raw and fragile.
all i know
is that i feel alone,
and being with you
only makes it worse
I imagine drinking tea then suddenly a Cheshire cat says hello and disappears.
Sometimes I regret being nice.
There are a lot of things I do which are sometimes I absentmindedly do and I never realize that I’m just being too nice to someone. Then one day I realize why I’m giving too much time and effort to a person who doesn’t even give a damn about me? It is bad to care too much, but sometimes you just got to.If I don’t care, I’ll push them away. And pushing people away is not very nice.
I’ll leave and act like they’re just normal people I know that pops in my mind for a brief moment and appears in my phone’s contact list whenever I need to talk to them. I’ll smile and wave whenever I see them, talk for a while and leave, strictly platonic.
Sometimes I apologize when I didn’t do anything wrong, I show care by giving them time, I help them when they’re in need, I laugh with them, share anything we want to; these things are important too but I regret being nice because the worst is, I make unworthy people a priority in my life.
Do you ever just feel so alone? And you know you shouldn’t feel that way because there are people who care about you, and love you, but somehow you still do? Somehow, even with those people around you, you still feel so alone in everything. How they seem to know you so well, yet really know nothing about you at the same time. You are just alone. Alone in your pain, alone in your crying, alone in your sadness. You know you have people who love you, who want nothing more than to be there for you when you need someone to talk to, to remind you how much they care, but you’re still alone crying. No one is there to tell you everything’s going to be okay, no one there to give you a hug, comfort you, or cry with you. You’re just alone. With your pain and your sadness. When is it going stop? When is the pain going to stop? When will you stop being so sad? When will you stop being alone? When will you stop making yourself feel so alone even when you’re not? When will it stop hurting? When will you stop yourself from hurting?
‘Cause it hurts. So much.
Just make it stop.
Stop. I don’t want to hurt anymore. Make it stop.
"Someday we will bottle up the stars together."
I wonder, when will that ever happen?
"When I am next to the sea, the wide spread of water laps over me with an enduring peace and excitement that feels like finding some precious rock in the earth, a sense of touching something that is most essentially me in a place where my past and my future intersect along the present. The present, that line of stress and connection and performance, the intense crashing now. Yet only earth and sky last forever, and the ocean joins them."-Audre Lorde, I Am Your Sister: Collected and Unpublished Writings of Audre Lorde (via awritersruminations)
I don’t love you I’m just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throwing a line out to sea
I, I know why
Because when I look in her eyes
I just see the sky
When I look in her eyes
Well I, I just see the sky
She Had The World - Panic At The Disco (Alternative Version)
I love this song, it’s sweet and sad at the same time.